This is the scripture passage that was read at the memorial service yesterday. Though I've read it many times, it was very meaningful to me.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

9 What gain has the worker from his toil? 10 I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; 13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil--this is God's gift to man.

Today was my Grandpa's memorial service. It was wonderful. Everything went smoothly and just about everyone cried their eyes out. The turnout was amazing (400+ I'd say) and we heard stories from people that my Grandpa had touched. The stories were just great... people who had mowed his lawns, or helped him usher. These people said the same things that us grandkids did... that he was probably one of, if not THE, most influential person in their lives. He touched so many.

It was exceedingly painful for me, I won't lie. For whatever reason, his death seemed so much more real during that short service than it had in the previous week. His picture was up there on the screen and I couldn't even look at it. My heart just ached with sadness. Its still so... so... baffling that he is NOT here. I remember that we would talk sometimes (usually when my Grandparents would go on long trips) about the reality that one day Grammy and Grandpa would die. We would shudder at the thought and say, " I can't imagine". Well, I can imagine it now and its just as horrible as we thought it would be. At least Grammy is still with us, and we will enjoy her even more than before now because we know that sting of what is to lose such special people.

A week. A mere week. Weeks usually fly by in a minute for me, but this last week has been so unendingly long. The longest of my life. Time kind of lost its relevance, as my Aunt Daralyn said. And now what? We move on, we learn to live with our loss and heartache and yes, it will ease with time. But I wonder at how long this feeling of "Uh, this really didn't happen did it?" will go on.

If you peek over at the right side of this page, you'll see the slide show that I worked on and was shown today. I'm proud of it, and I'm thankful that I had my husbands technical genius last night so that others could see it :)

If you are interested in seeing what we did with my Grandpa's cremation box (well, the lid of the box), you can view the pictures here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/kristi.horn/CremationBox

There were too many to put on the blog.

Tonight we went to my Mom's and decorated the lid of the cremation box that will be used for my Grandpa tomorrow. I know that probably sounds weird, and I guess it is. We did it for my Nana when she passed away near 12 years ago and it just seemed right to do this time as well. My Aunt said that she didn't want the people who would be handling the box to think "its just another person". She wanted them to know a little something about our Grandpa. So we signed it, we painted on it, we modge-podged some letters and pictures. I took photos of it and will post tomorrow. We ended up spending much longer than we intended and got home only about 20 min ago. That is super late for the kids and hopefully they will sleep in.

You know whats strange? It bothers me that my Grandpa's body will be burned tomorrow. I prefer cremation, and I know that its not him there... its just his shell. But it still hurts me that his body will be destroyed. If you knew him, you know that he had a strong physical presence. Even when he was at his sickest, his hands were still sturdy and large, he had a look of strength about him even though he wasn't. Its hard to imagine that this body will be gone. A very small part of my brain keeps thinking that this is NOT happening and that I could go in there, wherever he is right now, and wake him up and make him better. *sigh*

Anyway, on a completely different and more upbeat note, I wanted to direct you to the store of a wonderful lady that I've bought from. Her store is at

http://periwinklesuz.etsy.com

Originally I bought the most lovely fused glass apple pendant which I wore often. Unfortunately, the kids got to it and ripped off the bail (the part that connects the apple to the chain). I sent it back to her and the envelope was opened during shipping and the pendant was lost. I was really quite heartbroken because her pieces are one of a kind and handmade. It wasn't possible to just get a duplicate because you don't really know whats going to come out of the kiln.

This incredibly kind woman not only offered me another pendant for free, but is also trying her darnedest to make an apple again and if she can make one, will give that to me for free. Isn't that nice? You don't get service (and I'd call that above and beyond *just* service) like that anywhere. So if you are looking for unique jewelry pieces, check her out :)

This is my Grandpa's obituary which will be appearing in the Seattle Times on Wednesday and various other local papers later this week. He was well known, especially in North Snohomish County.

Dean R. Likkel

Dean Ray Likkel passed away peacefully surrounded by loved ones April 20, 2007, at the age of 70 after a brief battle with cancer. He was born May 1, 1936 in Grangeville, Idaho to Albert "John" Likkel and Helen Haveman Likkel. He and his twin sister were the youngest of six children, growing up in Lynden, Washington. In 1954, he married Carol Barber and had three daughters.

He began his career as a mechanic for the Ford Motor Company, then worked as a heavy equipment operator doing road construction. Eventually, his talent for working with people led him into investments and insurance sales. In 1974, he married Marlene Johnston Hollenbeck and, with her, he owned and managed a court-reporting firm doing legal video work and record retrieval.

Dean was committed to his church and community. He was a member of Smokey Point Community Church since 1973, and was a charter member of the Smokey Point Chamber Of Commerce, serving on the Board of Directors for over 18 years. He was on the Snohomish County Economic Development Board, member of the Board of Directors of Forward North County, and an organizing charter member of Marysville Toastmasters, using his public speaking skills as a motivational speaker.

He served both the youth and seniors of his community, as well, by volunteering on the Advisory Council for the Marysville Alternative High School and on the Board of Directors of the Stillaguamish Senior Center. He has been a certified instructor for the AARP Defensive Safe Driving program for six years. Dean believed strongly in being involved in the political process. His involvement included, among other projects, supporting the Pro-Life movement, and serving on Jack Metcalf's campaign for State Senate and U.S. Congress for several years. He had a love for auctioneering and used his skills and abounding charisma to conduct hundreds of auctions for churches and charitable organizations.

Dean had an unwavering faith in his Lord, Jesus Christ, and leaves behind a lasting legacy in the many lives he touched and in his loving family, including his wife, Marlene; his three daughters, Debra Miller, Deanne Guthrie, and Daralyn Hollenbeck; his two step-sons, Gregory Hollenbeck and Jeffery Hollenbeck; his thirteen grandchildren and his five great-grandchildren.

He passed on to join his parents, John and Helen Likkel, and his twin sister, Fay Griffith.

As an opportunity to celebrate his life, a memorial service will be held at Smokey Point Community Church at 2:30 pm Sunday, April 29, 2007. 17721 Smokey Point Blvd. Arlington, WA. (360) 659-2844.

In lieu of flowers, the family suggests any memorial donations be made to Providence Hospice of Snohomish County or a favorite charity.

I suppose I should explain what these are.

Well, for starters I made that little smocket Gwen is wearing! Its reversible and ties at the shoulders. I got the free and very easy pattern here. Despite having almost no sewing skills I pulled the whole thing off in 2 hours. I bet I could do it twice as fast the second time around! Not only is it cute, but very practical.

Excuse the slobbery baby and her wrinkled clothes. 'Twas one of those days.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed. -Ps. 57:1-

I try to keep my mind on this verse when sorrow takes me over. I seem especially vulnerable in the evening hours. On the outer layer, I can take care of things, I can talk about it, I can be very logical. But then I think that it actually was my Grandpa who was laying in that bed and who took his last breath and that I will never ever feel his large warm hand on mine, or be given a bear hug, or be called "Miss Kris" and it catches me right in the chest.

Last night we had a get together with all the family. It was good to laugh and share memories. We shared tears too.

This morning I woke up at 2:20am. Exactly 24 hours after he died. I didn't get up... just stared at the clock, then went to sleep.

Jason, my wonderful, loving, caring Jason, got up early and brought home coffee and breakfast. Then, he let me sleep in and cleaned the kitchen thoroughly. When I got up at 9am (this is outrageously late for me), it was so nice to see part of the house in order.

Tonight Michelle and Michael joined us for dinner. They hadn't been able to make the get together yesterday and I thought they may like to be around family and share what was on their hearts. The kids were little hellions but we had a great dinner of ribs (with espresso BBQ sauce made by yours truely), corn, watermelon and a peach cobbler for dessert. I like to stuff people with food in times of crisis :) I love my brother and sister. They have become such great adults.

The slideshow is coming along well. I've been stumped looking for a second song that seemed to fit, but tonight Mike and Shel led me to one that I think will work.

This morning at 2:20am, my Grandpa left this earthly life to enter heaven.

My Grammy, Aunt Deanne, Aunt Daralyn and my dear brother Michael were with him.

He will be missed, and his contributions to so many lives will leave a lasting legacy.

Have I mentioned that I STILL have the stupid sinus thing going on? Wait, I haven't told our weekend story so you don't know that on Friday I went to the doctor because the right side of my face ached, specifically the ear. I had a raging ear infection and was given antibiotics. Well, its definitely fixed the ear, but the sinus issues are still going on. It is so very tiresome to wake up every morning with a pounding headache. I swear its made my face swell even. Its just a lovely ensemble... swollen face, stuffy nose and tired eyes. I'm lookin' hot!

Today we left early in the morning to visit my Grandpa at the hospital. Traffic was grueling and it took just over an hour to do what normally takes 20 minutes. Oh how I don't miss commuting!

My Grandpa wasn't awake, and he probably won't be now that he is in hospice care. They are keeping him evenly medicated to make the passing easier. He does seem to show signs of being able to hear people though so my Grammy took the kids for a walk and I sat down and spoke with him. I could barely speak, my throat was so tight and choked up, but I was able to tell him that we loved him so much and would miss him terribly. That I was immensely thankful for his presence in my life and Jason's life and the kid's life. I told him were happy he was going to go to heaven soon and be completely healthy and strong. While he didn't open his eyes, he did make some noises and move his arms a bit. Perhaps it was nothing, but I like to think that he heard me. The kids didn't give me much time and came in while I was crying. They seemed ok with it... Ethan, ever practical, immediately asked where the tissue was and did I need one? That kid, how can you not smile at that?

I had a hard time keeping the tears back though and Grammy, though she must be so weary of tears, kindly comforted me and shared her tears as well. I really don't know how she is getting through with so little sleep and such great sorrow.

We returned home and soon after Mom dropped Jenni off. She watched the kids while I put in dedicated time towards the slide show. Wow, there are so many pictures and more coming every hour and I have no idea how pick the right ones. I did get a pretty good plan of how I want it to look, so that will help going forward with how to place and pick pictures.

Right around nap time I had to make an emergency jaunt to Target when Jenni and I realized there was not a spare diaper in the house (thankfully I had two stashed in a diaper bag for nap). While I was out, I stopped and got some fabric for some sewing projects I'm fiddling with. Now that my sewing machine is in tip top shape, there are many things I want to try. Whenever I get around to downloading pics off my camera, you'll see this adorable little smocket I made for Gwen. Considering its really the first thing I've made in ages AND its reversible, I'm pleased as punch with how it came out.

I feel completely worn out emotionally right now, so I'm gonna crash on the couch and watch some good old fashioned trashy tv (namely, America's Next Top Model. Yeah, I watch it).

I'm excited to share the information about our marriage conference, but more pressing matters are at mind.

My Grandpa has just a few days now, if that. He's not taking in food and he's in hospice care.

As I was upstairs washing up, I thought of what my Mom told me earlier today. That around 12 family members (mostly cousins) prayed with my Grandpa, read him verses and sang. When they sang, he woke up for a bit. He didn't speak, but he looked and smiled and seemed happy. I thought about how everyone is making multiple trips, hard trips, to see him and be a support to my Grammy and other members of the family. As I was thinking about this I had this image in my mind. Its sewing related which has been a hobby I've been doing lately, so please forgive me for using it :)

I had this image of a seam being ripped apart and then right behind it, a needle sewing the two sides together again. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't the same as before but it was just as strong. I know its odd, but that is totally how I see my family in this time. We are being torn apart, but we are binding together as well. We won't be the same, but we will be equally as strong.

As most of you know, my family (immediate, extended, and VERY extended) are such a big part of our lives. This ripping apart was a big fear for me... that this large, warm and loving group wouldn't be repairable when my Grandpa was gone, so this image meant a lot to me.

Tomorrow morning the kids and I will go down and hopefully catch him awake. Jenni will be over in the afternoon to watch the kids while I finally put together this slideshow that I wanted to have done months ago for my Grandpa. He likely will never see it, but it will be something special for all of us as a remembrance.

Your prayers and words of encouragement have meant so much to us and we thank you for them.

This is just a quick post... there is so much to say but we are all wiped. J and I went to a marriage conference this weekend and were so encouraged, energized and educated (sorry for the all "e" words). More about that later.

Tonight I want to ask you to stop and pray for us, just for a second. My Grandpa's last days are here. He is angry, he is not with us mentally but for a few minutes here and there. He's lost the ability to reason and control his behavior, both physically and verbally. Those closest to him are struggling to remain loving as they are both physically and verbally assaulted from time to time. Its not him. Its the cancer, mangling his brain and body. That doesn't make it easier though.

Please pray for him to pass quickly and calmly, for his suffering to end. If its God's will that it not end now, please pray that his body and mind will be calmed, that he will feel no fear or pain but peace and satisfaction at a life well lived and expectation at a glorious world that awaits him in heaven.

Please pray for those keeping vigil with him... my Grammy, my Dad, my Mom and Aunts. Please pray for my younger cousins who might be frightened by his outbursts and not remember the loving, caring, precious Grandfather that was with us not even a week ago.

Please pray.

Tonight I'm feeling angry about life.

Why does my Grandpa have to suffer like this? Why couldn't he pass in his sleep or something peaceful? He doesn't deserve to have his last weeks/months end this way. Its not fair. Good people suffer all the time, but that doesn't mean I am ok with it. I'm not ok with it. Especially when its my Grandpa, and by extension, my Grammy and my Mom and my Aunts and my siblings and cousins and everyone who knows and loves my Grandpa. You can't know him without loving him. He's really special that way.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."

-Victor Hugo-

I am miserable.

Jason is miserable.

Gwen is miserable.

Ethan is cheery.

Back to normal? Not so much.

Ethan continues to improve, while everyone else gets worse. Gwen was up constantly all night because she didn't feel good. We tried having her sleep with us, but she kept getting terribly frightened of J's snoring. Hehe. That was pretty funny actually, but we probably didn't get more than a few hours of sleep all night which isn't funny at all.

Jas is home again today. Its just horrible to continue to slog through this with no end in sight. We have a busy weekend ahead of us (marriage retreat) and we'd like to be able to actually pay attention instead of sleep through it all. Right now that is what would happen.

Thank heavens, Ethan is doing better!

His unmedicated fever this morning was only 100.3. We couldn't get it that low since Friday when he was on tylenol or ibuprofen, so that is a definite improvement. He is coughing a lot, a wet cough, which is also good... the phlegm is loosening up in his lungs. He ate some yogurt, toast and drank some milk. While he's still lethargic, he is more talkative and expressive.

Jason and I are having sinus issues. Headaches and stuffiness. Gwen is fever free and has a clear runny nose. YES! Looks like she'll miss the worst of it.

Jason is home again today and we plan on doing absolutely nothing except sleep and watch tv, eat and drink. Hopefully by tomorrow life can return to some normalcy!

Weekend of sick

What a weekend. What a lovely bunch of sickies are we.

It all started on Friday when Ethan was somewhat lethargic and feverish. We were supposed to have dinner with our Pastor so we called up and told them what was going on... they still wanted us to come so we went. After a rocky start, involving Ethan running out to car and sobbing, "I want to go home and see Toby" the kids had a rockin' time jumping on the trampoline and playing with the Pastor's three boys.

Saturday was the kid's birthday and Ethan was slightly worse. He did perk up though and both the kids enjoyed themselves and got such fun gifts. The biggest one being from Nana and Grandpa. A sandbox! Ethan, Gwen and Ben spent a long time out there burying things, digging them up and becoming ingrained with sand. They also got lots of fun kitchen things, bath toys, books, and a shopping cart to hold it all. Heaven :)

Saturday night was quite a bit sicker... Sunday we went back and forth endlessly trying to decide if we should go to church or not. We decided to go, mainly because I had to bring two desserts for the potluck and we had invited my family to come. Ethan was so very sick. They had to call me into the nursery because he was laying on the floor sobbing for me. He wouldn't stop coughing. Despite being drugged up, his fever was high. He wouldn't eat or drink.

Here's where we got foolish. Instead of staying home like we should have, we went over to my Mom's for egg hunting and all. I was not feeling so hot at this point either, but we hated to miss it. Ethan slept the entire time. He missed egg hunting and all the fun. Gwen didn't mind picking up the slack though. In fact, I dare say she relished in it! Everyone was astounded at how well she was speaking and her friendliness.

Right before leaving, my Mom was holding Ethan and he vomited all over her. This is when we seriously started getting worried. We went home and Gwen puked all over me though we believe it was because she got a little something in her throat and coughed so hard it made her vomit. So far she hasn't had any other symptoms other than a runny nose, thank goodness. Ethan woke up a couple times during the night, fearing that he was going to throw up. Despite his distress, he was making me giggle... He'd be holding his bowl in his bed and say, "Mom, its not working! I can't do it!" as if the bowl makes the vomit magically appear. Or, he'd say, "Mom, this bowl is too dirty for me to throw up" because there was a dog hair at the bottom.

This morning, he was even sicker and we found dark green throw up in his bed. He must have been too weak to cry loud enough to wake us up :( I called the nurse line and they wanted to see him right away. Jason took him down there and it turns out that he has bacterial pneumonia. This is the sickest he's ever been and the first time he's been on antibiotics. If he doesn't improve in 24 hours they'll want him in for an x-ray and possibly more drastic action (hospital?).

Luckily, he did eat a huge lunch and has been drinking water. He hadn't really eaten or drank much since Friday, so that was nice to see.

Meanwhile, Gwen, J and I all have congestion and the normal cold symptoms. Hopefully the breastfeeding will protect Gwen as it has in the past. Did you know that she passes germs to me and my body produces breastmilk with antibodies to combat those germs? She also gets the immunities that my body is producing against my own germs. Amazing stuff. I'm convinced that our continued breastfeeding has protected her from so many illnesses. It makes me wish that Ethan hadn't weaned as early as he did and would still drink breastmilk.

We have pics, but I think we left the camera at my Mom's (Mom, could you check?) so it'll have to wait until the next time we see her.

Pray for us please? That Ethan will get better and no drastic measures will need to be taken. Thanks :)

Happy Birthday to Jason! A wonderful father and husband :)

Today, I took Ethan over to Calvary and registered him for pre-school. The woman who helped us is one of the two teachers. The class is small, only 12 kids. Each week one woman teaches while the other assists, then they switch. I really liked how she immediately spoke to Ethan and not me. She showed him all over the classrooms, asked him various questions, showed him where he'll get his mat, and where he'll sit for snack time. I'm glad that this will be a very small class in a familiar setting (since we go there for MOPS) and with teachers that obviously love what they do.

After that, we headed over to Lundeen Park for playtime. We were the first there at about 11:30, but by the time we left about an hour later, the place was packed. It was such a bright sunny day.

Here are some pics I snapped:

Ethan acting pensive when he saw kids headed towards the playground.


Smelling the flowers (i.e. weeds).


Down by the lake, "Look Mommy, sand! Ewwwww"


What a pose, what a face :)


If you look really close, you can see sand in her teeth and on her face. She didn't mind her banana with some added crunch!


Does this picture look vaguely familiar?


Well, it should! This was taken 6 months ago, almost to the day.

The Mariners game was great! I think the seats we got (right off Ticketmaster) were the best we've ever had too. Right behind home plate. It was so nice to go and enjoy the stadium and the excitement.

Unfortunately, we had some very uncomfortable seat partners, but on the upside, they kept us warm on a cold night :)

Ethan is in his "first" stage. He wants to do everything first. He wants to say things first, he wants to go potty first, walk up the stairs first, play with that toy first. Everything first! We are working with him to understand that sometimes you have to go second. He's not fond of the concept!

His speech is coming along so well. He chatters round the clock and expresses himself, in my opinion, very well for a 3 year old. We purchased a kitchen as a joint gift for him and Gwen and they love it! He's always cooking us up something, then washing the dishes in his sink and putting them away. Its so cute! I can't wait to get some play food... right now they are pretending and doing a really good job, but they'll enjoy having something in hand.

Both Gwen and Ethan are doing well with potty training. Ethan is like 80% there. Diapers still at night and naps, but during the day he's pretty reliable. Gwen is diaperless at home, but still can't be trusted out and about. We aren't really pushing anything with Gwen as she is not even 2 yet... everything she is doing is her own.

Gwen adores her "babu" (brother) and he in turn is learning to show kindness to her as well. He often takes her to the potty chair for me and she will accompany him upstairs to find whatever he needs. Both save me trips :) A charming development in their relationship has been that Ethan is translating from Gwen to us. If we can't understand what she is saying, most the time we can ask Ethan and he will tell us what she means. This is actually VERY helpful, especially in the car because Gwen tends to speak very quietly. Ethan likes to shout out what she is trying to say!

She is the worlds slowest eater though. I'm sitting here watching her working on the same two waffles she's had for an hour. Slow but steady....

An early morning blog post? Totally out of the ordinary, but since I've been working out quite often (and having to get up at 5:30 to do so) I thought, hey, why not.

I guess the most major thing going on is that my Grandfathers cancer is active again. While there is no new tumors, the one in his chest is growing. After only a 1 month break, he's going in for another cycle of chemo but the outlook is grim, no matter the effect of the treatment.

There is still hope, there is always hope, that a miracle could occur. We pray for that miracle so that we can spend as much time with my Grandpa as possible. But I have come to the acceptance that he will be leaving soon. For a long time I couldn't accept it... it wasn't real to me. My Grandpa dying? Why, him and my Grammy are immortal. They can't die. Working with my therapist though, I was able to get through that denial and accept the truth of the situation, while still being able to hope that the unexpected will happen.

One of my great concerns is what our family will be like after he passes. Who will fill his shoes? Who will exhort and encourage us? Who will give us wise advice and guidance? In a way, this is the changing of the guard in our family structure. A necessary and natural, albeit painful, process.

In other news, all the E. Washington family came over this weekend and we had a great time! Saturday morning I hosted around 13 for breakfast (including the freshly born Easton). After we were done with that, we all headed to the Everett Children's Museum, where the kids ran themselves exhausted. The rooftop was open (though it was very cold) and the kids loved it. We came home, put the kids down for nap, then right when they woke up we headed out to my Mom's for Amber's late baby shower :)

That was fun too... and it had a most unusual ending of everyone measuring their body fat on my Aunt's scale and with calipers. I tell ya, not many families would end a shower this way!

For the record, my body fat percentage was not that bad. Not great, but not bad either. Woo hoo!

We have an active week ahead of us:

Today I drop the kids at my Mom's, then take J to the M's game tonight for his birthday. We'll also be picking up information on enrolling Ethan at the Calvary Chapel Preschool, which sounds like it meets our wants perfectly as far as class time (2 hrs, twice a week) and distance (a mere 5 minutes from the house).

Tomorrow I pick up the kids from my Mom's after getting party supplies and Easter stuff.

Thursday my Mom arrives to babysit while I do my grocery shopping.

Friday morning I register Ethan for preschool and we meet with our pastor at his home for dinner.

Saturday is the kid's birthday party.

Sunday is Easter and all the festivities that go along with that.

Next time I blog, I'll update you on the kids, who are going through a lot of development changes lately. They are both enormously charming and incredibly vexing :)

I know it seems that I'm not blogging anymore. Every night I have the intention, but it never pans out. Exhaustion or reluctance to recount the myriad of things going on always gets in the way.

That said, do not lose heart. Tomorrow, absolutely, I will blog. I can't tonight cuz I'm too tired ;) But tomorrow, I will sit down and write out all the stuff (and there is a lot) that has been going on.