Thursday, October 02, 2008

Weird mood

Yesterday, thanks to the almost total lack of sleep and some huge hormonal changes, I ended up with a killer migraine. Luckily, by yesterday evening it was ebbing away but that feeling of a whole day lost lingers. I hate losing a day to a headache or illness. It feels like it takes me a week to catch back up.

Today, I woke with that fresh and perky feeling that one has after having a miserable previous day. Kids went off to school and Elly and I hit the dollar store for a few things. Well, it was supposed to be a few things and I walked out of there with 20 things but that's how it goes I suppose :)

Came home and had 45 min to spare, so Elsa and I took a brisk 1 mile walk. It was especially brisk on the way home as it started to rain!

After getting the kids and arriving home I immediately felt kind of down. My house was spotless on Monday. Today its totally trashed. Laundry everywhere. Honestly, there is not one room right now that doesn't have some type of laundry (clean or dirty) cluttering it up. I feel closed in by toys, even though we really don't have that many.

I feel frustrated! It seems like I should be able to find some joy or pleasure in keeping a neat and clean house, but I don't. I abhor cleaning up. I'd rather be doing almost anything else. Especially when everything gets messed up so fast.

And I feel frustrated by my parenting too. I want to enjoy my kids, and yet most of the day I find myself aggravated and worn out by their (totally age appropriate) antics and I rush them off to nap and bedtimes so I can have some peace. That doesn't feel right to me. It doesn't feel right that I count the hours until they go to sleep so I can be alone.

I guess I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I want to do better, but I'm in a weird place where if I try to do better and fail, it makes me feel worse than if I hadn't tried at all. Like, "Gah, even when I'm really trying to enjoy my children I still end up irritated. What is wrong with me?". I long to find contentment and joy, or heck, even just peace, with my day to day duties but I just don't. Sigh.

Well, this blog was random. Guess I'll end here before I go off on another tangent.

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