I'm very sad today.

Partly because the kids did not sleep well and we were all up at 5:30 and then they didn't nap in the morning.

But a much larger part is because I heard some terrible news about a friend on the breastfeeding board I visit. This woman is amazing. We had started talking when she found out she was pregnant again and was still breastfeeding. She knew I had breastfed Ethan while pregnant with Gwen and she wanted to know how that went.

See, this woman and her husband have been through so much. Their little boy was born with SMA and lived only 5 short months before passing away. You can read their story here. Its truly heartbreaking. After Marshall died they had another child, Murphy, who was SMA free (as both the mother and father carry the gene, they had a 1 in 4 chance of passing it to their children). She waited so anxiously for the results of the testing to come back about the child she was carrying. Was it also SMA free? She couldn't bear to see another child go through what Marshall endured.

5 weeks ago she found out that indeed, this little child was SMA free. She could feel happy about the pregnancy... feel relief that she would not have to see another one of her children suffer.

Unfortunately, a few days ago she suffered a placental abruption. She delivered a little boy through agonizing labor, but he was much to young too survive... only 18 weeks old. They were able to hold him before saying goodbye.

I just can't understand sometimes. In my head, I get that things like this have some meaning behind them, that God has a plan. But my heart cannot accept that a family who has suffered a painful and drawn out loss of one child must suffer again. That a woman who has been such an encouragement and light to others has to endure saying goodbye to another one of her children... children that she wanted so badly. Its just not fair. Its not right.

What really chokes me up is that on the 31st she sent me a message telling me how cute the kids were and how she enjoyed watching them grow up on the videos I posted. Today, before I had heard the news, I responded, asking all sorts of questions about her pregnancy. At some point she will read that message and it will cause her pain and it tears me up to think about it. That a day or two before she lost her own baby she was telling me how cute mine were. My brain just can't wrap itself around such heartbreak.

...

So. On to a lighter subject.

Ethan is healthy as can be today. He woke up feverless, grouchy and hungry. His normal morning self. However, as I noted above, we were all up super early and our day was all off.

We did take a walk around the block, and when Jason got home I went and did some grocery shopping (Angela, I got the yarn for Jamie's poncho and will start it tonight!).

My house is horrendously filthy. Clothes piled high in every basket, dirty floors, Christmas decorations still up, don't even talk about my kitchen. Every day I've been trying to get things done, but it just never gets there. Either the kids don't nap or something comes up, or Gwen doesn't want to be put down and nothing EVER gets done. Its frustrating. After 8 months of having two kids, why can't I get a consistent routine going? A large part of me is happy that I will be at my Mom's next week so that I can simply ignore the house. Perhaps I'll come back to the house next week and clean, while my Mom has the kids.

Sigh. I'm off to bed. My heart is so heavy tonight.